You're the only one i see

where were you when i needed you the most?!

2010-01-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

significance; importance; love; care; concern; motivation; encouragement; praise; drive; hope; soulmate

all these are the things i really long for
even if it is a short moment,
i just wished i will have in possession of these.

but no matter how hard i try to smile
no matter how hard to try to give those stuff to others
no matter how hard i try to be a better zhenyi
it never happens

you guys never know how much i wanted someone to say this
'Zhenyi, if you're tired, tell me. i'll help you'
you guys never know what i'm going through
i dun say doesnt mean i dun feel it

i'm feeling tired, i'm feeling fatigue
i'm feeling all the sucky feeling anyone could feel at one go
can anyone lighten my burden

i have been holding back my tears
hoping that it will increase my time being happy
i've been doing great for the past few months
but now i cant seem to have the ability to.

my tears are getting more uncontrollable and it wont listen to my commands anymore

D.
where's all the promises you promised me?
about being by my side about knowing how i feel
i would feel much better if you had not made those promises
you know what?
i have been looking for you
but you have never turned back and look at me once
i have been working to hard to be stronger
worked so hard to add weight to my faith
worked so hard to run to a place where a different me stands
but instead of getting nearer, the place seemed further and further away from me

first post of the year :)

2010-01-02T07:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to have a new year resolution cause i know I'm not gonna achieve it
I think life is such that the more you hope for something, the more it won't happen
The higher the expectation you have, the more disappointed you would become when the results come out
I dun seem to be able to look forward to a single thing
Cause whatever that I used to hope for its either gone or have never ever happen to me

I admit that I'm getting more useless nowadays
Lying down in bed for every single day
Thinking about different solutions that can solve the different problems I faced
But instead of being able to solve it,
The burden becomes heavier
Is there anyone who really knows and understand what I'm going through?
Anyone really bothers about how I feel everytime they do something?

I am normal 100% human
I do get hurt by your actions, words and expressions.
Yet, I tried to be hide all my unhappiness inside
I tried to show that I'm not affected so that you guys would be able to behave freely and easily
But have you guys thought about this?
What if one day I can't take it anymore?
I bet you guys won't even bother right?
cause I'm only a friend that you play around with
Not someone whom you people really treasure and want to live life together

I dun see the happiness i used to see
What more feel it.
All I long for is someone who can really knows my feelings without even needing me to tell her
All I long for is someone I can really talk to
Someone who can readily be there whenever I feel hurt, lonely, emo, happy, crazy or at all times
Someone who scolds me and get worried for me when I get into trouble
Maybe I'm asking too much again.

Everytime when I feel that this group of friends is great, I'm wrong
They are only great when we are having fun.
And when I'm having troubles
All they think of is still fun
So I would MIA and reappear
But everything changed.
The gap so huge that we can never ever be back the same
And you guys would never know how hurtful when you guys are excited over seeing the person beside me when we meet but just saying hi to me.
You guys were the one that said you all missed me then?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM JUNSU!!!

2009-12-15T01:03:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
hahaha!
today is one of Dong Bang Shin Ki members' birthday!!!
XiahJUNSU!
Seng-il Chukahamnida!

Stage Name : XIAH/Xiah JunSu (시아준수 or 细亚俊秀)

Real Name: Kim Jun Su (김준수)

Birthdate: December 15, 1986, though his parents registered him on January 1, 1987

Birthplace: Gyeonggi (경기 or 京畿道)

Height: 178 cm

Weight: 63 kg

Blood Type: B

Hobbies: Piano, Soccer

Speciality: Singing, Dancing

and his favourite phrase: Give my all to things I'm working on.

They made a promise to all TVXQ fans of the world.

They kept their word.

TVXQ, who humbly thank us when it should be the other way.

TVXQ, who sincerely bow after all their hard work.

TVXQ, who harbor many scars inside yet smile and place their heart on the stage for us.

We didn't know.

All those scars, all the pain, all the exhaustion, all the worry.

They took it in silence.

Oppadeul, it's been hard right?

TVXQ is a heavy name to carry.

People look at them at the top and say....

“TVXQ doesn't have any problems; they're set for life.”

But...why can't they see?

TVXQ are constantly working hard to learn, to improve.

When senseless rumors about disbandment broke out, chaos was loosed.

Truthfully, we fans are human.

We can be hurt by words.

We can be hurt by injustice.

We were worried, but we tried to believe.

And truthfully, TVXQ are humans, too.

TVXQ can be hurt by words.

TVXQ can be hurt by injustice.

TVXQ were worried, but TVXQ believed in their fans.

So much pain, so much misunderstanding.

Yet they smiled for their fans.

A TVXQ that protects their fans and loves them.

A TVXQ that cares, that trust.

A TVXQ that hides their pain in hopes that we don't worry.

Our TVXQ.

Look at them.

Do they look like they will break easily?

Our ChangMin, sweetly considerate and witty.

Our JunSu, kind-hearted and innocent.

Our YooChun, always thoughtful and strong.

Our JaeJoong, loving and uniquely sweet.

Our YunHo, gentle yet fiery with compassion.

“The five of us will never part.”

They believed in us.

So let's believe in them.

“DBSK is a smiling machine, and Cassiopeia is the engine. We work together to spread happiness”

- Shinta from Sharing YooChun

“SM can be manipulative all they want, and the media can be misleading as much as they want, but I'll never believe anything unless it comes directly from TVXQ themselves. Let's continue believing in the boys because I'm sure that they will never, ever disappoint us!”

- diana(c) from OneTVXQ Forums

“DBSK is an inspiration, a motivation that helps fans to realize their own dreams. They are not just eye candy, but people worth looking up to.”

- Mel from DBSKnights

“I think TVXQ are a source of strength to a lot of people. I know that this probably sounds ridiculous to some, but... There's something about their music, their sincerity, their hearts – some people don't know, only because it hasn't touched them yet. TVXQ are more than just a boyband or hot 'metro' guys. They're people who inspire, people who encourage. They teach us things about ourselves and about the world with their innocence, maturity, and music. I think it's alright to depend on the boys, but it's also important to learn how to stand on your feet eventually. And I know we're scared, especially with all the rumors of disbandment, but we have to stay strong. The boys asked us to trust them right? Then we should do that.”

- zhuuzhuusoba from Tohosomnia Forums

“DBSK or THSK, they are still – Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong, Changmin and Yunho. They are still 5 brothers who have always worked their very best to reach their dreams and to make everyone happy. I've spent 6 beautiful years of my life with DBSK and I am looking forward to spending more years of my life with them. If given the chance to live another lifetime, I will choose this lifetime again because the boys made my life wonderful, they've made millions of lives, wonderful. DBSK, have faith. We are with you on this. Our love for you will not falter. Our love for you will grow stronger. Our love will always be for DBSK.”

- badstar from GOE;SS

Will you watch over them?

Don't forget.

The five of them will stand on the same stage.

The five of them are standing on the same stage.

ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH

for dong bang fans
watch this and you'll get tou-ched
for my loved ones
watch this and you'll understand more about dong bang :)

ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH

2009-12-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

CAUSE BY JUST CALLING OUT YOUR NAME, IT MAKES MY WORLD COMPLETE

CLIQUE

2009-11-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I often ask myself why am I on this world?

DOUSHITE?!

Many years passed I still do not know how to answer myself this question.

I'm not like Einstein who invented great stuff for this world,

Not like Mother Theresa who helped the poor and touched the world with her heart,

Not like Dong Bang Shin Ki who produces such great songs for their world and touched us with their innocence, hard work, maturity and pure heart.

Who am I, what am I doing in this world and what impact am I supposed to have in this world?No one can tell me.

Yeah people might say God have a plan for me but it has already been 18 years and 6 months why hasn't he show me my path.

There were many things that I've done that hurt people, that I have regretted doing it.

There were also many things I've done to make people around me proud, that I would also done it if I were to live life once more.

I have met good and bad people, have been a good and bad person, made clever and stupid decisions.

I would not know where I am heading to and where I would end up in life.

I would not know whom I might meet or what I might face in different stages of my life.

But on top of all these past and unknown things, what I know is no matter what happened or will happen, I am still the Zhenyi that everyone knows.

I'm still the Zhenyi that will laugh and smile with all her strength and cry quietly by herself to prevent people from worrying for her.

The Zhenyi that would try all her might just to make people laugh even if she sacrifices.

The Zhenyi that would be confident and succeed at times and be a chicken and fail during other times.

The Zhenyi that is sensitive and can be emotional any time.

I'm would still be the Zhenyi that will work hard for anything that she decides to fulfill.

Will still be the one who truly thank those people who have been by her side no matter rain or shine.

Will still treat those people she appreciate truly.

Will always keep the faith :]

And now I'll thank those people who have always been by my side regardless of whether I was happy, sad, angry, confused, crazy or stressed.

Thank you my loved ones.

I thank my clique for being by my side during my Secondary 3&4 period. That was the happiest time of my life. Maybe because that was the time I left my hostel and got freedom but I am sure that you guys have impacted me a lot. I remembered how 'BESTFRIEND' clique came about was when Elaine and Crystal called each other BESTFRIEND like as if no one else have one. Then Jiamin and I also started calling each other BESTFRIENDS cause we wanted to disturb both of them. Gradually, Sherlyn and Audrey Wong started to came in. And Audrey became my 'CLOSEFRIEND”, Crystal my 'EXTRAORDINARY FRIEND' and Elaine my 'BESTEST'. To think of it quite childish huh?! HAHAHA!!! But then during our Secondary 4 EFL camp, we got close to Judy, Liling, Ginwei, Wendy, Charmaine and Tricia. And we form another clique with Audrey, Crystal and Jiamin (which is the current clique). Maybe because we were 'actives' so Judy, Liling and I clique together especially well. We did all the stupid stuff together. Playing basketball in the bloody hot sun till we soaked our pinafore with perspiration. Eating ice cream during thunderstorms and playing in the rain till teachers came to tell us off. Getting caught by principal and discipline masters cause of our hair and uniform. Setting the trend by playing captain's ball during recesses and dragging away the chairs to prevent people from scoring; pulling uniforms to they can't run away from us; snatching ball away from bimbos and CHASING TRICIA WITH THE BALL! (note: Tricia claims that she's some star player in basketball during the P5 period but she's darn scared of the ball. To the point of crying when the ball gently hit her!) I, too, spend a lot of happy times with my clique. When celebrating our clique members' birthday, we do not eat the cakes. We used it to smash them instead. I love that cause I am always the main culprit :). We would also go for porridge buffet at tiong bahru every chinese new year celebration and national day celebration and would compare who ate the most. The record now is 7 bowls by helen (another friend who is super petite). But no matter what happen I still love them the most.

Wendy: Hmmm. I have forgotten how we got close. Perhaps is because we lived near each other and we got nothing to do during the weekends, MAJONG! Among the whole clique you are the one that settle down the fastest in regardless of work or relationship wise. Many times we gossiped about others together, telling each other how we quarreled with our friends, complaining how immature my other friends are, but I have forgotten I'm not that mature either. Ahaha! You said that I'm crazy because DBSK is the only thing revolving around my world. But I have made the decision to support them forever. It is just like me making the decision to stay with this clique forever. To be with each and everyone of you. Supporting each and every single one of you... Now that I'm gonna move house to Boon Lay, I guess we can't meet up that easily. It would not be like last time, one phone call to each other and we'll meet. But that won't be our barrier. Just inform each other earlier and we can also meet :) yeah?

Jiamin: BESTFRIEND! I'll always remember you insisting that your clothes shrank instead of you growing fat!!! And always remember your retarded face that is on the school's banner!! Still remember we used to compete the speed of us doing Amaths and always disturbing Ms Sim cause of the dirty fingers and little pinky! Remember the times when we're crazy about GONG? Okay that is embarrassing. Better not spread huh?! I somehow missed those times we're in the office together at SAFRA. The times when we confided in each other saying all the unhappy issues we have with each other. Maybe that's why our friendship could last so long. The most regretful thing that I've done is not being by your side when you needed me the most. When you broke up with bee, when your grandma passed away, when you are so stressed up cause of life. Jiamin, sorry and thank you. Sorry for not being by your side, sorry for making you feel like asking me 'where were you when I needed you the most?' Sorry to making you not turning to me whenever you have issues in your heart. Thank you for being honest to me and spill out all my weaknesses to me. I appreciate that a lot as it make me change for the better. I hope that this trashing session would continue. Hope that from this moment onwards you would turn to me whenever you need a shoulder or a listening ear. I promise I would be by your side FOREVER and I really mean forever. I hope to see you guys walking with me in the future, laughing, crying, smiling and frowning...

Crystal: I love those times when I scare you till you drop. HAHA! I missed those times when we laughed and be crazy together. Remember how I spread the 'LOVE' to you? That was because I want to leave a mark in your life by leaving a scar on your legs(bullshit)!!! HAHA! When I think of crystal, the memories that came into my mind is always funny. Purely because you do not know how to be angry I guess. So even if I pissed you off you'll still be smiling. You are so skinny and fragile that I would always look out for you and worry about your safety. You are always smiling that I will get insecure if you stop smiling for a moment. You are always trying to be so happy that I find it hard to cheer you up even if you are not having a smooth time. There's load of things I wanna tell you but the words just can't reach you. Crystal, I know about those stuff you are going through now and I hope that you would just let me share some of your burden. Everything would be alright at the end of time. Zhenyi will always be here. FOREVER. Sometimes it is okay to show your true feelings to me and not hide your heart all the time. Being unhappy is a suffer. But faking out a smile to someone who knows you for around for 7 years is even more suffering. Bottling up everything would make you blow up one day and trust me the feeling sucks. Yeah. Lastly, compared to the memories I have with you, I appreciate you more than those memories. Comparing the love I have for those memories, it is you, Crystal, that I love even more.

Judy: Wei Ling! I have been friends with you since Sec 1 and the thing that have changed the most is... YOUR HAIR!!! For those who know what I am talking please laugh. From basketball team mate, to good friends, to clique members, to friends that study together for O'levels and then to colleague and now back to clique members. We've sure gone through lots of things yeah? The memories that is the clearest in my mind was the way you cried when our first attempt of Chinese O'level results came out. Before you came in the toilet to cry, I was in the cubicle by myself thinking of the hard work I have put into studying Chinese. I aimed for A1 but in the end I got C6? Big contrast mans! At that time, I was blaming myself, telling myself I'm a big failure and I shouldn't have set so high hopes, etc. all I knew was I'm struggling to stand up back again. At that moment Audrey came in and said 'Zhenyi, you okay?Judy is crying like mad now!' When I heard that I came out of the cubicle straight away. Judy who is always stingy with her tears who never ever let people see her true feelings cried. In front of so many people somemore! After seeing you cry, I have finally found out... I AM NOT ALONE. And we got emo for days man! but that's not the point. We cried together, smiled together, sweat together, frowned together, laughed together get into trouble together and most importantly, we would always be together :) GIRLFRIEND~ LOVE YOU!!!

Audrey: CLOSEFRIEND! Instead of being penpals, we're not 'textpals'. Hahah! Everytime I get emo or when I self-evaluate myself at home I would just send you a text asking you what do you think of this. And everytime without fail you would manage to cheer me up and give me the courage of continue-ing. It's you people who gave me the courage when I am with you guys. Now that I am not spending my everyday-life with you, I felt so good that I can still turn to you whenever I need a talk. But the most regretful thing is thing confiding thingy is only one way. It is always you being by my side but not me being by your side. I still remembered there was once when you were crying in class due to results I think. I felt that there was so many people around you and we were supposed to go to hall for some assembly programme. So i said this 'People, let's go to the hall. Teachers are waiting for 4J'. You'll never ever know how much i regretted saying that. I was not being sensitive to your feelings at all. Then a few weeks later you confronted me saying 'Why can't you just be like other people and console me?!' Maybe you might forgot this incident but I will never ever forget cause it is deep in my heart to remind me to care for others and always put them before me. Audrey, sorry for not being there when you needed me. But I just hope that you would give me another chance to make up for everything. I wanna try having to use my heart to console you everytime you are struggling, wanna try telling you what I feel you should do to keep that courage you have. Give me the chance and I'll do it.

Liling: You sure are a problematic kid mans! Forever cutting yourself! I remembered once I was sitting behind the class with the back door wide opened, the way we always did luh, you ran out with a pen knife in your hand. Someone was chasing you behind, if I'm not wrong is Judy. Anyways I ran out immediately without asking permission of the teacher (anyway we also always do that. haha.) and chased after you until the toilet. But we weren't able to stop you from cutting cause you locked yourself up in the toilet. You won't know how worried we were that time you selfish idiot! The next moment you came out, your wrist is covered with blood! and you can happily take photo of that! Fuck you lar! I seriously din't know how to react and just ignored you for the whole day! But the most touched thing you have ever did to me was to appear for my 18th birthday celebration! After MIA-ing for one year you finally appear again! Haha! Because of this I love you even more mans! But I love your girlfriend more than you! HAHAHAHAH!!!

BEGIN!!!

2009-11-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

[Micky]
Nakitai toki wa nakeba ii kara
Nee muri wa shinaide
Namida karetara egao ga hiraku
Hora, mou waraatteru

[xiah]
Tomadou no wa mirai ga aru kara
Mabushisa ni makenai yuuki ga hoshii

[JJ]
Everyday and night with you
Chiisana kimi no te wo nigirishimeru kara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Tsunagaru kanshoku wo zutto tashikame yo
Ima monogatari wa begin

[yunho]
Hitomi sorashite saketeru tsumori
Demo boku wa suki da yo
Hanarete ite mo wakachi au mono
Sou omoi ga areba

[xiah]
Kinou ni mada sayonara iezu ni
Kusubutteru jikan wa munashii dake sa

[JJ]
Everyday and night with you
Samenai binetsu dake mote amashi nagara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Futari no kankaku wo motto kasaneyou
Ima kimi to boku wa begin

[max]
Hontou wa boku mo onaji da yo
(Baby I need your love need your touchOh Baby I need your love need your touch baby)
Yoru no yami ni obieteru
(you tell me now)
Demo hitori ja nai

[JJ]
Everyday and night with you
Furueru kimi no te wo nigirishimeru kara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Tsunagaru kanshoku wo zutto tashikame yo
Ima monogatari wa begin
Everyday and night with you
Samenai binetsu dake mote amashi nagara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Futari no unmei wo sotto kasaneyou
Ima futari dake de begin

TRANSLATION

[Micky]
It's okay if you cry when you want to,
It's not unreasonable.
When a tear dries, a smile lights up your face.
Look, you are already laughing.

[Junsu]
The future is confusing
But I won't lose to its brilliance, I want to have courage

[Jaejoong]
Every day and night with you,
I hold your small hand tightly
Every day every night everywhere,
Let's always make sure our feelings are connected
Now, let the story begin.

[Yunho]
You avert your eyes... do you plan to avoid me?
But I like you
Even when we are separated, we can share something
Yes... if we have these feelings.

[Junsu]
I can't say "goodbye" to yesterday yet
This smoldering time is just lifeless...

[JaeJoong]
Every day and night with you,
I just don't know what to do with this ceaseless fever
Every day every night everywhere,
Let's gather up our feelings more and more
Now, you and I begin

[Changmin]
You're really just like me
(Baby I need your love, need your touch)
(Baby I need your love, need your touch, baby)
Scared of the darkness of the night
(You tell me now)
But you're not alone.

[JaeJoong]
Every day and night with you,
I take your quivering hand and hold it tight
Every day every night everywhere,
Let's always make sure our feelings are connected
Now, let the story begin.
Every day and night with you,
I just don't know what to do with this ceaseless fever
Every day every night everywhere,
We'll gently overlap our destinies
Now, just the two of us begin

CAMP ADDICT?! - label still on or gone?

2009-11-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

TP is having this TPrawks camp for secondary leavers
there is cheering and screaming all over TP these few days
it brings memories to me...
bittersweet memories

After doing so many camps
people have seen so many sides of me.
Ugly, pretty, strong, weak, full of confidence as well as being a coward...
but im not afraid cause all these memories they have are all part of ME.
I used to label myself as a camp addict.
And I truly wants to be back to a camp addict.
I want to be labeled as being high for all times again.

I want to be back to my loved ones and fight the war side by side
inspiring students and proving to teachers that age is not a matter...
I remembered during a training camp I shared with my fellow trainers the reason why I wanted to be a trainer...
I WANTED TO BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS.
I want others to smile when they see me.
I want people to learn from my mistakes and be a better person.
A WISE MAN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES, A WISER MAN LEARN FROM OTHERS MISTAKES -patrickng

Thinking back to the past... what have I done to be a blessing...
do I really have the potential of being a trainer?
Whenever I talk about potential i'll feel so insecure.
In my perspective, I dun have any potential..
I just have good team members to work with.
T.E.A.M- Together Everyone Achieve More

JESSICAchan: shifu, im sorry for the times ive disappointed you. Thanks for believing in me. If I dint remember wrongly you told me that I was the best tudi. Double thanks. I really needed that at that time.. if there's a chance I seriously want to do chest clap with you during campfire...

DANIELchan: laogong!~ thanks for standing by me whenever im in trouble.. you were one of those who helped to build up my self confidence. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE ME DRUNK FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! okay correction thats not drunk cause im still aware of my surroundings. And I still remembered every single thing you've said to me that night. Every single thing.. yes and I still remember: crying in front of people tells people that I am weak. But im not WEAK. Know what? Although we've knew each other for less than a year but I seriously fell in love with you. Haha. Seriously i'll never forget the times we spent together and the things you've said or done to make me stronger. I miss bitching to you about other people. And of course sleeping with you. :D but most importantly is you were one of those whom made my camps enjoyable.. and you are the strength that keeps me going. Daniel Chan I LOVE YOU~ (ops marcus is jealous :] )

ZHAOxuan & ZHAOkai: Sangor! Erge! We can be counted as fellow peers bah. Same training for level 1 and 2... I know you guys dont like me emo-ing and keep belittle-ing myself... but zhenyi is indeed an emo kid!!! you cant change that :) so is either you accept it or... anyway thanks for all the support and the shoulders for crying mans!!!!

JENNAgoh: although things cant be like the past but I still wanna thank you for teaching me so much valuable stuff.. I remembered when I was having internship you were the one who taught me all the stuff.. to be honest, I missed that. I miss packing logistics with you. I miss doing campfire with you. You'll always be hosting and I'll always be below helping you make the campers high... seriously missed that. Double thanks for those memories.

SHAI: *sigh* I wished time could rewind and I can spend more time with you enjoying and not being angry with you. Gosh! Im tearing at this last moment. I told myself not to shed a single tear when I type this post.. You're a mentor, second father, brother, listening ear and friend to me. There's so many things I wanna tell you. But I stopped. Cause I dun want to rely on you. I feel so burden whenever I asked a favour from you. I seriously wanted to be like you and many a times you've said I reminds me of your past. But afterall we're different. I always think a lot and love to bottle up my feelings. And in the end I end up exploding everything to you. I HATE TO LET YOU SEE ME CRY. Seriously. Letting you see me cry is worst than you scolding me. But you've seen me cry so many times that if I were to convert that to buddha claps it would worth a million buddha claps plus a thousand suicides. If there's a chance I seriously wanna work under you again, to work beyond my limits and get all the scoldings from you. You once said I have never said no to whatever task you've gave me.. I really want to be like that once more. JUST ONCE MORE...

why is that a bittersweet memory?
Sweet cause i'll be smiling to myself whenever I think of it
Bitter cause I can never ever experience the happiness again..
simple but hard to get.. and I regretted a little cause I gave it up...

having to write this post sounds like im gonna leave this world and im saying my last words
well you wont know when im leaving this world.
So im gonna be truthful to my feelings on this blog.
I might be super surface and bitchy and hypocritical on the outside
but afterall I'll be myself on this blog..
thats what blogs are for – to express your true feelings at that point and after finishing, it would be sunshine again.

randomness :D

2009-11-17T00:18:00.000-08:00

Actually this issue have been in my heart for a long long time.
I was wondering if I should share it out but I think I wont feel good if I dont.
It was just something random so if you feel that I'm talking about you then that's your PERCEPTION.

I wonder how long it takes for a person to show his true colours.
I mean like for a moment someone could be an angel but the next moment, a devil.
I admit I'm like that at times but thats ME.
And I think the whole knows that I've got a bad temper but I'm trying to compress it. That's what make me an angel at times and devil some other times.
But I'm an angel MOST of the time :D

Anyway back to the point, how long it takes for one to show its true colours?
One day? One month? Or One semester?
And true colours can be so much different from the personality you TRIED to portray.
Being an angel all the time but with a devil's heart?
Which is more dangerous?
Me or you?!

Sometimes it is just so difficult to be well-liked by every single one in the world.
But know what?
Just be loved by those whom you loved is enough
It can be a super happy thing by just hanging around with those who accept you the way you are as compared to those people who you need to hide your real personality from..
Isn't tired to keep hiding to truth from people you mix with EVERYDAY?!

But I've recently found out that I'm not only the one suffering
Im not only the one paining inside...

DBSK...
Always keep the faith..
Every time when I turn on my comp and look for their news
I'll always feel the pain in my heart.

Yeah. I have just got obsess with them about two months ago.
And till now, every time I see them perform, I'll be so overwhelmed by their TALENT
And it is really hard to find TALENT in bands nowadays especially in Asia...
Even such talented people do face hardship in their life and I hope that they would be able to overcome this problem with each other supporting each other...

CHOIKANG CHANGMIN

XIAH JUNSU

MICKY YOOCHUN

YOUNGWOONG JAEJOONG

U-KNOW YUNHO

Micky Yoochun said this in their The Secret Code Concert in Tokyo Dome:

“Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun. We're the ONE, eternally!!!”

Every time I see this part of the video I feel so …

Imagine outsiders like me could feel the pain.. what about DBSK themselves?

Seriously, how do they feel if they were to look back their past performances and see this part?

I hope that whatever happens people would not judge them in a negative way

But use your heart and feel their hard work and effort for the past five years.

Look at how much they've grown and how much they have suffered to climb to where they are now.

So please guys, don't take away what is supposed to belong to them.

And give them every single thing they deserve...

They deserved nothing of what they're going through now.

DBSK... Always Keep The Faith... Hope To The End...

Proud by DBSK (L)

2009-11-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

[Jae Joong]

Ashibaya ni toori sugiteku

Dore dake no kisetsu

Mou sugitan darou

[Yunho]

Minareta keshiki wo aruite

Tooi kioku kara

Hitori nukedasenai mama

[Chang Min]

Ikiba wo ushinai souna

Sonna toki kimi to deatta..

[Jae Joong]

Kono machi de

Meguriatta

Ima mo wasurenai yo

Ano hi kara..

[Xiah]

Takusan no

Kanashimi toka

Kakaeta fuan subete wo

Kimi no nukumori de

Omoide ni kaeta..

Proud of your love..

[Jae Joong]

Hirotta futatsu no kaigara

Mou ichido kimi ni

Aeta youna kiseki

[Yoo Chun]

Kimi ga soba ni itekuretara Whoa~

Kokoro no oku made

Yasashii kimochi ni nareru

[Chang Min]

Hageshii ame ga futtemo

Tsuyoi kaze ga fuku naka demo Whoa~

[Jae Joong]

Kono ai wo

Mamori nukeru

Kimi to naraba kitto

Koerareru.. (Oh~)

[Xiah]

Sou hajimete (Whoa..)

Omoeta kana

Kono te wo hanasanai youni

Zutto taisetsu ni

Toki wo mitsumeyou.. Whoa~

[Jae Joong]

Kono machi de

Meguriatta

Ima mo wasurenai yo

Ano hi kara..

[Xiah]

Ikiru koto

Shinjiru koto

Yorokobi e to kae nagara

Itsumade futari

Tomo ni arukou..

Proud of your love..

[Yoochun]

Proud of your love..

[Yunho]

Proud of your love..

[Jae Joong]

Proud of your love..

[Chang Min]

Proud of your love..

[Xiah]

Proud of your love..

TRANSLATION

Passing by at a quick pace

I wonder how much of a season had already gone?

Walking through the scenery I’ve become familiar with

Without being able to slip away

From these distant memories alone

It's like I completely lost my destination

That was the time when I met you

We met by chance along this road

Even now I can’t forget, ever since that day

Much of the sorrow and anxiety I held

Everything had been changed

Through the warmth of your memories

Proud of your love

Finding two shells

Is just like a miracle..

Meeting you once more

If you're here beside me

Even the depths of my heart

Would be comfortable with this gentle feeling

Even if violent rain falls down

And strong winds blow about

I'll go out to protect this love'

If we're together we can surely overcome all

Could I have thought like that at first?

So I don’t let go of this hand

I'll always gaze carefully at time

We met by chance along this road

Even now I can’t forget, ever since that day

Things that live on, things that I believe in

While changing towards happiness,

We’d both walk along together

Proud of your love

Proud of your love..

love those who love me :D

2009-11-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

hai...
been so long since i've blogged.
for those who have been worrying about me.
thanks but no thanks. :D
i know you guys love me and i appreciated it.
but im ZHENYI
so dun worry... i've been through so many things and i can also get over this.

and for those who are also suffering,
persevere and you'll be stronger after everything's over.
thats what ive been doing for the past 18 years :D
being ALONE is not a bad thing,
but its just not a good feeling..
however no one would get whatever they want all the time so lets just accept whatever is given

for those who have people around you ALL the time
its time to cherish them!!
im saying this from past experience
treat them truthfully and they'll do the same to you...
dun always jump to conclusion without thinking twice...

???

2009-10-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

sorry friends... so long nv post
well i dunno what to name this post cause 2 things had happen this week..
first my favourite phone dropped into the toilet bowl...
second i got a new phone and its samsung peston!
now my clique is so samsung-fied!!!

FRIEND?!

2009-08-17T05:12:00.000-07:00

know something?
im utterly disappointed in you guys...

hahah! you think you guys have passed the age then can fool ard?
hah!
you have change super TTM till i dun understand you!
i dunno you..
if you realised you guys have been very surface with me
so i too will too treat the same way as you did...

i mean you dun even take me serious whenever i talked to you...
so from now on i shant say anything..
THANKS for making me feel like a fool...

THANKS MY FRIEND!!!

A letter to A

2009-08-11T01:18:00.000-07:00

Im not gonna say who A stands for cause its meant to be secret but hose who knows about both of us would know... she herself would know im implying to her....

its been 3 years since the days we were happening... Still remember you told me you broke up with her because of me... I mean im not thinking too much right? cause if a person were to say that to anyone, it means she/ he likes that person... Plus you did things that even a girlfriend wont do. Accompanying me to training during holidays was the happiest times i had. knowing that you were looking at me made me wanna work even harder.

It made me happy when you said you like the way i played basketball. it made me feel so much better with you looking at me... but it made me sad when you're emo... felt even worst when you told me age is the only barrier between us... you are only 3 years older than me... perhaps it is because you're OLDER. but i've always thought age wont be the problem between us... the only problem was the love you had for me...

i always thought that time would show you that i am mature enough to take this relationship but... it only shows that we cant be together... to let you know how much i love just wasnt my forte. the hints i dropped werent obvious enough. but till now, although time will slowly make us forget about each other you're still the only one in my heart and im sure you know that... i thought time would gradually make me forget about your existence... but 3 years later you contacted me again. the hope of bith of us to get together grew stronger... so much stronger that i could get the courage to say i love you.

But the thing is you have moved on... but thanks for bringing me happiness for the past few months of contacting me. you wont know how happy was i to wait and receive your texts... i guess its time for me to move on too... its difficult but life isnt easy in the first place...

I often wondered if i werent in my hostel at that time would you be attached to me... if i were to work harder to become a better person would you fall in love with me again... but its no use talking abt it now cause you've got a happy relationship and no longer feel that much for me...

But i still wanna tel you I LOVE YOU A... and i hope that you'll regain your courage that you used to lack in. Dun hurt yourself when you're emo cause that will hurt me too... forget about me but dun for get about those happy times you have had to keep you strong.. i'll learn to let go cause this is the one and only way to show my love for you...

who's the hottest?!

2009-08-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

wanqiu says that she's a HOTBABE!
but i think her house no mirror...
but wendy say her house very hot
so ZHENYI AND WANQIU CLAIMS THAT THE REASON IS THEY'RE HERE...
but the hottest is hotbabeCHEN!
know who is she?
the one on the right !
hahahaha!

ZHENYI JUST GOT HER NEW HAIRCUT!
and she love it to the core...

(L)

OUR POM PROJECT!!!

2009-08-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

this is the video we did for our project :)

OMG! damn funny right!
and ruby now thinks that the ribena lemon is our token of love!
(see the last scene)

this is the NG part

its damn FUCKING funny when we present it to our class for our POM (principles of management)

but well we got quite high so it was worth it!
but i would always be remembered for the ribena that fell in love with the lemon (ruby)

hahaha! i actually kind of miss the times i did all the project and stuff...
hahah!

TO ALL MY TEAMMATES FOR ALL THE MODULES:

thanks alot for tolerating my bad temper and sorry for letting you guys feel stress while working for me
thanks for covering my part of work while i was MIA-ing
and thanks for not marking me down for peer evaluation...
thanks for giving me the chance :)
I LOVE 1H05 ttm!

dont say goodbye

2009-08-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

cant meet your eyes

not able to read you

like a kid who lost its way

just waiting

the truth is

i know what words to speak

its not sincerity, its suspecting

tears are talking

dont say goodbye

hear the heart that

doesnt let go of this hand

i hear your heart

you still want me right?

you cant hide

you cant lie right?

cant allow

this separating lie

look me in the eyes and say

it is not, it is not sincerity

dont say goodbye

hear the heart that

doesnt let go of this hand

i hear you heart

even if the world part from us

even if they say its a hard love

you are my love

you are my soul

dont say goodbye

dont leave me now
the promise shared together is everything for me

dont say goodbye

you are my everything to me

my exhausting day will be forever searching for you

i will love you like a never withering spring

cause you are my everything to me

THANK YOU~

2009-08-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you..
For staying by my side
Nervous..
Walking this road with you

I love u..
The awkward words that I want to say in front of you
Be blessed..
I must let u live well

Sorry..
For meeting someone like me
Painful..
I’m still lacking in many ways

I will be by your side until the end
I will protect the beautiful you

I pray not to release this hands even if I die
I promise to walk with you until the end of time
Because the extreme love
can be worn out of time
I vow to keep the beautiful memories
And even the days that we cried

Sorry..
For not able to be better
Painful
That I am always lacking in some ways

I will protect you until the end even if it’s hard
I will protect the beautiful you

I pray not to release this hands even if I die
I promise to walk with you until the end of time
Because the extreme love
can be worn out of time
I vow to keep the beautiful memories
And even the days that we cried

Only you can forgive my heart
Even though I am imperfect
Even though I am lacking in many ways
I sincerely want you

Even if the days of difficulties were to come
I will not release the two hands that I hold until the end of time
Because the extreme love
can be worn out of time
I vow to keep the beautiful memories
And even the days that we cried

THANK YOU....
FOR STAYING BY MY SIDE

HAVE YOU EVER?!

2009-08-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry?

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night?

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right?

Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love

Been in love so bad

You'd do anything

To make them understand?

Have you ever had someone

Steal your heart away?

You'd give anything

To make them feel the same?

Have you ever searched for words

To get you in their heart

But you don't know what to say

And you don't know where to start?

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

Have you ever found the one

You've dreamed of all your life?

You'd do just about anything

To look into their eyes?

Have you fin'ly found the one

You've given your heart to

Only to find that one

Won't give their heart to you?

Have you ever closed your eyes and

Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait

For that day when they will care?

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby?

do I gotta say to get to your heart

To make you understand

How I need you next to me?

Gotta get you in my world

'Cause, baby, I can't sleep

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry?

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night?

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right?

Have you ever?

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry?

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night?

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right?

Have you ever?

trip to ION!

2009-08-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

I WENT TO ION TODAY!!!!!!!!!!
with tq, hy and alvin...
hahaha!
no one can laugh at me like the way THEY did abt ILUMA!!!!!
well i guess im the last few to know about the exist of iluma...
eh! but i went in before ok!
HAHAHAH

and amelia is right...
our 'type' is only from B1 to B4
any above...
you guys will know when you guys get there!
hahah!
but i dun like ALVIN!
he classify all those stuff i like as clothes that mads wear...
like what the?! OMG!!! he claimed that topshop and pull and bear is very malay-ee...
Alvin this is when you're wrong!!!
HAHAHAAH

If i let you go

2009-08-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

Day after day
Time pass away
And i just cant get you off my mind
Nobody knows, i hide inside
i keep on searching but i cant find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before

And once again i'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if i let you go i will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will i ever see you smiling back at me?
How will i know
If i let you go

Night after night i hear myself say
Why cant this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
Its such a shame we're worlds apart

im too shy to ask, im too proud to lose
But sooner or later i gotta choose
And once again im thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if i let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will i ever see you smiling back at me
How will i know
If i let you go

If i let you go oh baby
Once again im thinking about
taking the easy way out

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

But if i let you go i will never know
how my life will be holding you close to me
will i ever see you smiling back at me
how would i know

But if i let you go i will never know
How my life would be holding you close to me
Will i ever see you smiling back at me
How would i know
If i let you go?

im so addicted to this song now thanks to lianghao...
but i love it mans!
thanks i THINK i know what you're trying to convey to me :]

how do i expect people to love me when i dun even love myself...

2009-08-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

for the past 2 days i have been working like damn hardworking-ly...
haha!
too bad for those who thinks that i cant live without my previous job...

just got home bathe (i mean really bathe and not shower cause im at pepper lunch the whole day!)
and i went to read lianghao's blog

LIANGHAO IM DAMN FUCKING PROUD OF YOU...
for the past 18 years of my life circumstances made me feel difficult to love people...
or maybe difficult to show them how much i love them...
even in relationships... they often quarrel with me abt me not loving them enough

you see my parents and i are damn fucking not close..
i mean if we were to walk on the streets, with them walking in front and me following at the back, no one would know we are a family...
but if one of them would to leave me.....
i got no fucking idea what i would have become...

but the condtradicting thing is both of them including my brothers 'threw' me into the TENT (the hostel i talked about previously..)

i told myself that if they were to come back into my life i'll hate them TTM!
but when they were finally 'back', i found it hard to face them or even talk to them...
relationship became very on-the-surface
no one could blame me for doing all these rebellious stuff...
cause the more rebellious i get the more they wont want me as their daughter...
this was what i thought...

haha! but as i grow older i thought its a chore to hate them...
but i still cant bring myself to love them...
i mean i dun we even know how old are they, when's their birthday and stuff...
haha! what a failure daughter right?!

and i suddenly rmbed something my principal said when i got caught for my hair...
she said this 'how do you expect ppl to love you or you to love ppl when you dun even love yourself?!'
how true can that be...
i dun even have the courage to love myself...
to trust myself that no matter what i do its for my best...
daniel once said that i must learn to think more for myself...
perhaps he's right to think for myself=to love myself more.
but how?
no one has ever taught me how to...

maybe i should just stop emo-ing...
thats the first step to love myself :]
to stop my heart from bleeding AGAIN

:)

2009-07-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Things i wanna do!

1) catch up with the following people
~ SILAS NEO
~ DANIEL CHAN
~ CRYSTAL CHIN
~ MANY MORE!!!

2) MUG MUG MUG!!!

3) SLEEP!!! i need it...

4) GET RID OF ALL THE STRESS! and bad luck

5) BE HAPPY!!!

omg! for the past 3 days this is what i did

wake up; school; project work @ hx place; mug; 2hrs of sleep; wake up; school; mug; RED BULL-ing; mug; go home; bathe; MUG; red bull; mug; 3hrs sleep; wake up half dead; school; mug; projects; go home; mug; 5hrs sleep; wake up; red bull again; school; projects like mad; mug; IG meeting; go home; die-ing in front of comp now; later, MUG!

how no life can zhenyi be...
well. this is what i must do to let people know im not worthless...

BYUL

2009-07-28T05:31:00.001-07:00

the wind is shaking the windows,

and over my small room,

the stars fill up the sky,

shining brightly too many to count,

the stars reassure tired me

they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

don’t be hurt too much..
they hug me tight and pamper me
and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

My dream is coming.
though it is unusual that my one star is brightit is very bright, even blinding..
it comes down to my shoulder

stop being so sad..
it holds my hand as it touches me
and gives me a warm hug
though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

2009-07-28T05:31:00.000-07:00

the wind is shaking the windows,

and over my small room,

the stars fill up the sky,

shining brightly too many to count,

the stars reassure tired me

they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

ZHENYI!!! that i used to be...

2009-07-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the past
and all these came into my mind...

Where the hell is the ZHENYI i used to be

The one who laughed at herself when she needs to do stock-taking by herself for the whole of campstore

The one who cried twice during her first camp over strong characters campers and felt that she herself wasnt competent enough to be a trainer

The one who cried while looking at how campers praised her in the evaluation form when she herself felt that they have short-changed them

The one who have only 3 days to impact campers but dreamt to inspire each and everyone of them

The one who was capable of being the best trainer

The one who was seen as one of his four generals

The one who felt upset when she found out that they interpreted her that she'll leave this team

The one who got so addicted to camps till she was willing to do many back-to-back camps

The one who was not afraid of mula-ating herself in front of the whole camp cohort just to rah-rah them

The one who really found haooiness and joy out of packing the campstore

The one who really enjoyed preparing logistics and setting up the campsite

The one who was so tired that she practically slept on the bicycle track after signing campers' NYAA booklets

The one who cried after he screwed her up for screwing the programmes but recovered and went back to her ownself 3 mins later

The one who really screwed up programmes and teacher commented that she have low EQ but really tried to worked on it

The one who got so happy when campers asked her to sign camp booklets

The one who supported the campfire hosts and lead in the cheering during campfire but got so pissed off when campers dun co-operate

The one who learnt the chest clap within 10 mins and was so proud of herself for doing that

The one who imitated the ways different trainers walked when they were having abrasions

The one who really loved to be one of the nightwalk props even if she would have sandfly bites all over her body at the end of the day

The one who got sandfly bites ALL over her body during Ubin camp and can still laugh about it

The one who can stand not bathing for 5 days when she saw how dirty the water at Ubin was

The one who always say 'JI PA HOR LI CHEH' behind the campers' back

The one who scolded vulgarities softly when she got pissed by campers and swear loudly after camps.

The one who loves to belay people

The one who suspected that she got a stalker that stole her NIKE water bottle during one of the camps

The one who cried so badly when she was being pressured to settle all the questions imposed by him cause she was so stress and angry with herself for not doing a better job

Im a FOOL!!!!

2009-07-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I was a fool.

My regrets were too late too.

I know that it can't be turned back.

I know that I can't see you too.

I was so wrong, I'm so sorry.

I didn't get to say then, instead I was just being rotten.

So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I'm a fool

Because of my pride

I'm ruining myself with alcohol and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.

I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you

You and I, we both are like fools.

Don't be like that, think about it.

Think about what it took us to get here

Think about it again, you're going to regret it.

I was so wrong, I'm really sorry I didn't get a chance to say then, instead

I was just being rotten.

So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I'm a fool

Because of my pride

I'm ruining myeslf with alcohol and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.

I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you

You and I, we both are like fools.

I can't live a moment without you.

I still cry even no matter how I drink or if I cut my hair.

I'm a fool

Because of my pride

I'm ruining myself with alcohol and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.

I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you

You and I, we both are like fools.

Don't ruin yourself anymore...

updated post!!!!

2009-07-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

haha!
for the past weeks i've been picking up lost items and returning it back to the people in-charge of whatever place.
1st- an i-touch outside com lab.
2nd- a wallet at yoshi

and know what?!
i was having dinner with wanqiu and wendy near wendy's and my house.
AND I LOST MY WALLET WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE I LOST IT!!!!!!!
hahah!
wendy and i tracked all the way back where we had walked.
BUT FOUND NOTHING

then we decided to go report to the police post nearby.
OMG we had a hard time explaining how my magical wallet look like cause that policeman got no fucking idea what's that! HAHAHA
then an eurasian couple came in reporting a lost wallet.
wendy and i was like: NEH THIS IS THE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahaah!

that is why i said i believed in karma!
no matter good or bad!

hahahah!~
another lucky thing happen ytd..
3 of us went to buy this scratchit at some TOTO place.
AND WE WON!!!!!... 3 bucks. hahahaha
1 dollar each! hahaahhah!
that's a good start mans!
we're so going to get one per week.
then one day we would happily win $60,000!!!!
HAHAHAH!!!!!!

went to ROMP'09 on saturday!
WOOHOO!!!
that was a BIG thing mans.
So proud of the organizers
hahah!
they even hired professional referees!

OMG! come to referees!
my referee was damn cute!
till now i still cant forget her mans!
hahah! omg! new eyecandy!
but the sad thing is i can no longer see her!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULD HAVE GOTEN HER NUMBER!!!!!!!!

wendy you must be laughing when you see this mans!
but she's damn HOT tell you!!!!!!!!
1st- you need to have an attitude to be a referee
2nd- you need to have the looks to have an atiitude
3rd- you need to have the shape that goes with your looks
OMG! SHE HAVE IT ALL!!!!

GOD ISNT IT GOOD TO BE ATTACHED?!

2009-07-12T22:51:00.001-07:00

MIXTAPE for YOU :D

You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know

But you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
You don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish that there was more than that
About me and you

Oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me
Your friend and I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
That you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
And it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em
And let's get messed up and listen to probably...

The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you

grow up

2009-07-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

OMFG!
so this is the drastic action that will ruin ZHENYI's life
but dun forget zhenyi's not WEAK either.
I'm having a good life without you guys.

let me think what you're doing now.
you brain is working out another way to find trouble to 'ruin' my life
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
how PATHETIC can that be.
all i can say to you is GROW UP!
wait... you were saying who's the childish one?

the more things you do
the more i become stronger
so no point putting me down all the time
and crack your brains to think of new ways
cause there will always be a rainbow after the thunderstorm
so no matter how difficult my life is now
i'll still be able to live through it!!!

take care and GOOD BYE dude!

get away from my life!

2009-07-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

but im still pissed abt what had happened for the past few days.
i still cant believe everything that had happen.
thanks for turning you back away from me so quickly
thanks for forcing me to be bitchy and a fucker
but you know what?
lesbians and gays are no different from those 'normal' people.
we can also strive and work hard
lesbians and gays too have feelings so dun ostracize us.
cause one day we MIGHT be on top of you guys.
I BELIEVE IN KARMA
i wont just give everything a damn.
its just a matter of time for me to get back
AND I WILL

i was so wrong to held on
and i HATE myself for holding
i should have let it go and stop myself from all these sufferings
i dun understand why am i so fucking affected by ALL of YOU
but i believe i can live without you guys haunting me!
i dun feel a need talking to you guys
and i hope i can get rid of you guys in my life ASAP

IM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG!
haha! tongue tied mans!

Bright cold silver moon

Tonight alone in my room

You were here just yesterday

Slight turn of the head

Eyes down when you said

I guess I need my life to change

Seems like something's just aren't the same

What could I say?

I need a little more luck than a little bit

Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit

And every time that I try I get tongue tied

I'll need a little good luck to get me by

I need a little more help than a little bit

Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet

Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by this time

I stare up at the stars

I wonder just where you are

You feel a million miles away

(I wonder just where you are)

Was it something I said?

Or something I never did?

Or was I always in the way?

(Was it something I did?)

Could someone tell me what to say to just make you stay?

I need a little more luck than a little bit

Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit

And every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by

I need a little more help than a little bit

Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet

Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by this time

I know it feels like the end

Don't want to be here again

And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

What it takes I don't care

We're gonna make it I swear

And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

Again

I need a little more luck than a little bit

Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit

But every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by

I need a little more help than a little bit

Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet

Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by this time

I know it feels like the end

Don't want to be here again

And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

What it takes I don't care

We're gonna make it I swear

And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

I need a little more luck than a little bit

Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit

But every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by

I need a little more help than a little bit

Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet

Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied

I need a little good luck to get me by this time

I know it feels like the end

Don't want to be here again

And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

What it takes I don't care

We're gonna make it I swear

And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again

CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE A STEP CLOSER TO ME?

...

2009-07-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really dunno if im needed.
there are times which i really cant hold up my promises
or even cant keep up with you guys.
but all i want from you guys is honesty.

if you've got anything you're not happy with just confront me.
dun do it behind my back.
when you do that i wont know what's the problem.
after reflection and assumption i still cant get the answer cause im not you.
UNDERSTAND?

and if you dun think im of great help then ask me to fuck off
dun hang me there like an idiot.
but remember we are a team
i dun want anything to happen to all of us...

im really trying my BEST to help and no one will know how helpless i feel nowadays.
the feeling's back.
the feeling so being a fucking ultimate freaking loser is fucking hell coming back again!
@#!$%^$()&#@$%!!!!!!

but know what?
this time it would be different.
cause over the years i've learnt to be more matured and of course BITCHY...
if you guys know me, zhenyi does not equal to bitchy.
but if the circumstances is pushing me to the wits end...
try me.

im not going to be the ZHENYI that always worry abt ppl and putting them before me.
im gonna live a i, me and myself life!!!!
fuck you if you've got anything to say!
and if you have do it in front of me!
if you got no courage shut your fucking mouth up!!!

for those who are innocent, sorry if you feel disturbed but...
this is MY blog and this is MY life.

guys, if you are trying to look for someone to replace me then give up now,
each and everyone of us are unique.
there are things she cant do i can
there are things i cant do she can.
if you guys trying to say all these SHIT just to make me regret my choice, then fuck you!
im no longer the naive zhenyi that will change her stand easily by your actions!!!!
im no longer the dog that will follow you everywhere you go!
and yar just continue to do things behind my back yar!
once i got enough of it i wont just give it a damn okay?!
JUST TRY ME ALRIGHT?!

haha! de-stressing!!!

2009-07-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

warm up pic for all of us..

phishy photo :)

hahah! everyone's emo except me!

haaha! love this!

this is my favourite photo :)

disfigured TTM!

EMO!!!

ROWELL'S PREGNANT!!!

omg! we have twins!!!

ALIENS ATTACK!!!

that's all the rubbish we did AFTER our project.
note: that's after... we were serious during project work okay!!!
haha! i love the last three photos mans!!!
hahah!
i dun look fat in those 3 photos hehehe!

i love you and i hope you'll realise that soon...

2009-07-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

whenever im tired, you'll come to my side.
whenever im sad, you'll always sorround me with your warmth.
no matter when or where, i always smile like this.
no matter how much troubles there are on earth, i'll never let you see my tears.
even if you dunno how i feel towards you,
even if from afar just let me see your smile and it'll make my day...

<3

2009-07-07T03:26:00.000-07:00

OMG!
I had been having a project marathon for the past 2 days and this marathon will continue for the next 2 weeks!!!
haha! so tired...
reaching home 10 plus from school everyday..
that's my night life mans!!!
hahahahah!
know what?
ZHENYI has know her new target :)
hehehe!
that's a motivation for life mans!
LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!!
woohoo!!!
<3
who's that? FOR ME TO KNOW FOR YOU GUYS TO FIND OUT!!!
a clue for you: i havent seen ___ for today... :(

no matter what you guys gonna say... im just quitting.

FUNNEH DAY!

2009-07-05T22:12:00.001-07:00

2 BOTAKS! can we perm our hair? haha!

JASMINE!!!

candice! my date for the day!!!

my hair seems so nice now...

:)

Group photo!

SANDRA BABY!!

Romeo & Juliet

what the hell is jasmine looking at?!

look at irene and sandra! so funny!

this picture was like meant for sandra and jasmine...

but fiancee and i just ran in to take with them!!

<3>

look everyone was so concerned abt how they look in the photo!!!!

ZHENYI THE GENIUS PHOTOGRAPHER!

BESTFRIEND, FIANCEE AND SAMA WITH ME!!!

Tako Yaki instead of birthday cake... 19!

Ah Bee+Zhenyi=PB!

haha

my FIANCEE!!!

wah! happy birthday to twins!

haha! 19 unglam photos of theirs!

GROUP PHOTO!!!

with 2 BOTAKS!

BOTAK!!!

OMG!!!!!

my dear shifu and jasmine shaved their hair!!

omg they look like butch now...

but the amazing thing is they are both straight!!!

haha!!!

hello meet darryl(furby) and javier(jasmine)!

and poor jasmine's friend got scared by her!

omg! she practically cried when jasmine went near her.

DAMN funny!

hahaha!

and CANDICE was my date ytd...

but she dint drive me around :(
i was so heartbroken till so she asked me out one day this week :)

hahaha!

we actually replaced a birthday cake with 19 tako yaki balls!!!

and we had pasted like 19 unglam photos of the twins on a straw board!

hahah so nice! cause is zhenyi make one...

today i was walking around the whole school with this board to advertise for HTMIG event HaTaMa sports...

omg! its malu-ating TTM!!!

i dun mind walking ard in STC

but this is Temasek Poly!!!

LOSE FACE LOSE FACE...

after that i went sugar loaf to eat... urm quite disappointed.

cause like the whole world says its nice but for me its otherwise...

2009-07-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

KWA LIANGHAO!!!
dun make ZHENYI worry for you please!!!
Better take care of yourself.

:)

2009-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

when my sky eventually falls PLEASE be there to hold on there a lil while longer...

i have always love this phrase ever since this person told me this:
WHEN YOUR SKY FALLS I'LL BE THERE TO HOLD IT UP FOR YOU!
and that person is none other than my bestfriend cum laogong cum i-dunno-what...
DANIEL CHAN
THANKS LAOGONG!!! I LOVE YOU TTM!!! <3

DARN TIRED DAY...

2009-07-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

OMG!
im like damn tired today!
but it was fruitful though :)
hahaha! had an event at vivo...
volunteered to help Joyce for Singapore Heritage Fest
learnt loads abt different ethnics' wedding :)
Chinese... Indian... Malay... Western... and Nonya...
SO MANY DIFF TYPES!
and i know to know like everything to be able to teach the passer-by and interested ppl abt it...

felt such a great accomplishment after this event.
BUT IM DARN TIRED NOW!!!!

haha!
and know what?!
it will be the twins birthday in 1hr's time!!!!!!!!
WOOHOO!!!

HAPPY ADVANCE BIRTHDAY TO
TAY ZHAO KAI !!!!
TAY ZHAO XUAN!!!!

nonsense from CLIQUE :)

2009-07-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

OMG OMG OMG!

i just remembered something damn funny...

this happen like few YEARS ago in STC one day during recess
as usual... we were seating down at the flag raising area...

CRYSTAL CHIN: Liling what drink you wanna drink?
LILING: No i dun want... No money!
CRYSTAL CHIN: I treat you lar! WANT ANOT!!!
LILING: I DUN WANT... ice lemon tea...

HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! how irritating can liling be at times huh...
but what to do? we just LOVE her!!!!!!! hahaha <3

but know what?
this is the USUAL thing in our clique...

being pissed off for nothing...

2009-07-02T05:10:00.000-07:00

OMG!!
Im damn fucking pissed off!!!
i cant seem to upload all the photos taken during TRICIA'S birthday!!!!!

RAWR!!!

can anyone tell me what's wrong with this freaking thing?!
ok im like an idiot being angry with a liveless laptop
alright tmr im like going to school for a 2 hrs lecture then BREAK from 1pm to 6pm
after that I'll be having HTMIG meeting and then we'll reveal our ANGEL and MORTAL!
WOOHOO!!!

haha! tell you guys a secret.
HELEN TRIED TO UPLOAD PHOTOS ALSO CANNOT!!!!!!!!
hahah! i thought blogger dun like me!
BLOGGER DUN LIKE HER TOO!!!!!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

okay im not pissed anymore... :)

Twins' parTAY!

2009-07-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

HEY BABES AND DUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The twins' parTAY is confirmed!

Venue: JUST ACIA@ dhoby xchange
Date: 5th JULY 2009
Time: 7 pm sharp!!!!!!!!!!

Bring along a gift ribbon!

those who have received my text PLEASE reply!
those who cant make it on time just give me call and we'll wait for you guys cause i want EVERYONE to be there for the cutting of cake
those who have friends joining us please inform me by saturday so i'll be able to reserves seats.

please communicate with me through texting me :)

thank you and God bless you!

STRENGTH!

2009-07-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

zhenyi had not been doing what she's suppose to do for the past few weeks
and its time for me to CHIONG!
haha
but i cant seem to find my motivation and drive anywhere...
SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOME STRENGTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to my dear tricia...

2009-06-30T04:37:00.000-07:00

tricia dear...

sorry i havent got time to upload the photos we took during your birthday :(
DUI BU QI!!!!!!

i promise i'll get it done ASAP kaes?

I LOVE YOU BABE! <3

i dun give it a damn!

2009-06-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

i really dunno what to do now,
yes you guys keep asking me to think.
think abt what?!
I'll be sorry to him if i quit but if i stay i'll disappoint you guys even more and in the end, also quit
its just a sooner or later thing.
im just not as good as you think i am
you all think too highly of me and in the end,
you'll see how useless i am and there's nothing i can contirbute to the company and you get disappointed

yes. you want me to be mature and grow up but i cant keep up with you!
i cant breathe normally with you around me
and im just a fucking 18 year old girl!
what else you want me to do?!
i have to fucking support my family and study and even work
i think i have really tried my best to live well

this is the first time im getting so low for exams.
i dint only failed but i fucking hell failed badly.
30/100 sounds good?!
i think im the fucking last one in class
this is the first time im going through all these okay?!
if this is what you want to see to prove my commitment level for work then CONGRATS!

you want me the take initiative for the whole world's thing
eh, i dun have the whole world's courage to do that.
i really dunno to what extent do you want me to continue stressing myself...

everyone knows how much i loved this job
yes LOVED!
i dunno abt now...
i used to loved it so much till i got addicted to it
you too agreed to that
CAMP ADDICT
sounds great but now i feel that it's a burden to do camps, to face you guys
can anyone imagine something that you used to enjoy so much have now become your burden?
anyone knows the feeling?
all i know is i dread going to work
everytime i go in the atmosphere that i felt is i-dun-belong-here atmosphere

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
you always ask me this question.
and now when i ask this, i cant get the answer anywhere.
yes, i can continue working thick skin-ly.
but the fact is you guys fucking hell dun need me!

you always say when im good im damn fucking good
but when im screwed im fucked up
I AGREE!
and now is my fucked up period and i fucking hell got no idea how to make myself better

and you get angry whenever i put myself down
have you ever wondered why?
cause i fucking hell got put down fucking lots of time till i got tired of it
so i would rather i do the job of putting myself down
less painful too...

No one knows what i've gone through and i dun expect anyone to understand me
but quit saying'never push me to the extreme' when im feeling fucking helpless at that point
it makes me feel even more fucked up
the reason why i dint tell you these straight to the face cause i know you'll be even more angry
and i dunno how to talk to you adults objectively

yes you can i dun have the courage to say all these
i dun deny that
you can say im a fucking loser
I DUN DENY THAT TOO...

the story of bimboWONG

2009-06-25T23:45:00.001-07:00

yo!
i wanna share this with everyone!

friend:
eh audrey, i got a friend that went
butter factory then got H1N1 leh!!!!!!!!!!
audrey wong:
HUH!!! that means no more
butter eat alr ar!!!!!!!!!

OMFG! how bimbo can a person be...
i just have to go on testing the limit of my dear bimbo WONG!

Im in LOVE... with my CLIQUE!!!

2009-06-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

JUDY <3 JIAMIN <3 AUDREY <3 CHARMAINE <3>

WENDY <3 GINWEI <3 TRICIA <3 CRYSTAL

CLIQUE-addict <3

2009-06-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

WHEET!!! SEXEH!!!!!!!

can you spot 3 lobsters in there?

Whoo! SMELLY!

preparation for chelsy's birthday!

last year's EFL

wendy's birthday :)

love them for celebrating with me and

waited so long for me to end work :)

my shiba birthday :)

we look so wrong on bed...

look at the fat ass!!!! MUAHAHA!

BESTFRIEND!!! LOVED <3>

my fiancee!!!! how are you?! MISS YOU TTM!

our PROM photo!!!

zhenyi today is gonna post something that can make me feel
HAPPY!

cause i suddenly think about those stupid things we do as a
clique :)

remember how you started a human domino by pushing jiamin...

then slowly the rest of our clique started to fall sidewards! OMG damn funny!

and how we played captain's ball during recess?

in order for us not to lose the match we took to chair and ran away just to not let our opponent get a point!

HAHAHA!

JIAMIN!

rmb how we used to compete with elaine and crystal calling each other BESTFRIEND?!

haha. and how you guys sit down during recess to see us play?

and how you got drank and got slap by crystal 3 times!

CRYSTAL!

can you still rmb the 'love' i spread to you?

and know you flew in front of the whole school?

haha!

GINWEI!
haha i rmb that time when we went KFC?

you wanted us to get water for you

in the end, got zen da water there!

HAHAHA!

and no one can finish it.

WENDY!

rmb how crystal and i disturb you and wq while guys were sleeping during the chalet?

we kept calling you PAPA and MAMA but you ignore us :(

hahaha

AUDREY!

rmb how BBQ-ed our food during our prom clique chalet?

and how we quarrelled and how we got back tgt?

those stuff we confide in each other...

haha! we seem so immature at that time :) but we sure have grown man!

and yes! GOD put our eyes in front!

SO LOOK FORWARD!!!

heehee!

TRICIA!

haha! rmb how you spoilt judy's majong game when you said:

' OMG! why this bird so ugly?! '

HAHA!

CHAR!

rmb how we malu-ate ourselves by wrapping tissue paper ard our eyes during sec5 EFL?

rmb the photos we took during our prom clique chalet?

and how we dao pok each other!

MUAHAHAHA!

OMG! babes you gys were the ones that made my life so colourful

looking a few months back...

its worthwhile and I LOVE YOU GUYS TTM!!!

i feel so glad and happy that i can still laugh and smile at something when i look back in my life!

TWINS parTAY 2009

2009-06-25T05:04:00.000-07:00

OMG! everyone from SP Campers listen up!
Soon will be the twins' birthday
And Im sure the twins have impacted most of your life
No matter big or small, or how significant or insignificant it'll be
We're all glad that both of them came into our life right?

There will be 2 gatherings on two saturdays.
reason being some might able to make it this week some the other week.
BUT you guys can also come for 2 days like ME!
It will be on the 5 JULY and 11 JULY (note: their actual birthday is in the 5th)

the party on the 11th will be mainly organised by daniel chan and me, their triplet!
and on the 5th it me and silas neo :)
venue and time for the parties can be seen on facebook
if you have any better suggestion feel free to tell me
so dun worry :)

any enquiries just contact us on facebook or drop us a text
after seeing this post i would appreciate if everyone can spread the news!
THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU!

ANYONE JUST HELP ME?!

2009-06-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

Anyone knows the feeling of falling right to the bottom when you have been at the top all of the time?
Always been doing well in studies, having good relationship with friends, colleagues and other…
Having everyone around to like and look after you.
And suddenly VHOOM!!!!!!!!
Everything’s gone.
Want a real life example?
ZHENYI is one!

I had always been in the centre of attraction among my friends,
Always been one of the top students in school,
And look at me now…
A total failure mans!
Can anyone just tell me how to make me feel better?!

Haha the day before I just took a Are-You-A-Gay/ Lesbian quiz on facebook
The outcome was I AM STRIAGHT
BUT today, I took a Why-Are-You-Still-Single quiz
The fucking result is CAUSE IM GAY!!!!!
What’s the fucking problem with the quiz man!

Sometimes, it's wrong to walk away
though you think it's over
Knowing, there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
You just want to change the way the world goes round

Tell me,
Have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see,
That's the way I feel, about you and me baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know...
cause I loved and lost the day I let you go

Can't help, but think that this is wrong,
we should be together
Back in, your arms where I belong
Now I've finally realised
It was forever that I've found
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round

Tell me,
Have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see,
That's the way I feel, about you and me baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know...
cause I loved and lost the day I let you go

I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Even though the moments gone I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round

Tell me,
Have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see
That's the way I feel, about you and me, baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking i should know
cause I loved and lost the day I let,
yes i loved and lost the day i let,
yes i loved and lost the day i let you go.........

Thanks to Audrey Wong,
i fell in love with this song few years back
and now...
once again im in love with that song again...

2009-06-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

I MISS EVERYONE!!!

bored!

2009-06-24T04:28:00.000-07:00

Im a real fool, stupid to the max
Its too late even to regret
I know things can’t be like the past anymore
And I know I could no longer see you
I know you could no longer be there for me
All of these are my fault, im so sorry, really sorry.

Its silly of me not able to say it in time
To be frank about my true feelings towards you
How much you mean to me
I deserve it all but I still want to ask you for forgiveness

Both of us have became fools cause of our pride
Over and over again our circumstances drove us mad
And sometimes even to the extreme of hurting each other

And its stupid for me to keep holding on to nothing
Hopes that are hopeless, dreams that are unreachable
All I could do is to put a strong front in front of everyone and cry myself to bed at night…
Please dun be so cruel and think it over again

How much have we suffered just to be in this position
Think it over again, im afraid you might regret
Yes its my fault and im really sorry

okay fine i admit
i cant stop myself from being emotional cause zhenyi= emo.

HAHA!
have been at HOME the whole day cause wasnt feeling well..
i think same goes to tmr. then that will mean i wont be in school for 3 days le...
omg! i miss my clique suddenly
all thanks to judy tan for the note yar!
haha it was funny though.
THANKS JUDY LOVED <3

you all were the ones that brought laughter to me :)
JUDY; JIAMIN; WENDY; TRICIA; CHARMAINE; GINWEI

enough of those SHIT!

2009-06-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

guys, thanks for being there for me
and not pretending to care for me just to get credits...
true friends are those who can tell me that im fucked up striaght in the face.
and not those who CLAIMS that others are gossiping abt me without telling me where's the problem lying...

yes, im fucked up but so?
im willing to change...
the pathetic ones are those who close their doors to people who really wanna live
and never ever come and play mind-games with me cause you'll never know what's on my mind.

never come and test my patience cause i have none.
and nv try to push me ard cause i aint no pushover!
i am going to live my life as normal without YOU people taking advantage of me!
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

LOVED:)

2009-06-23T02:26:00.000-07:00

ROAR!!!!!!!
I really needs to let out some anger which have been bottled up since 100 century ago!
why did GOD created humans in the first place?!
no one knows but definitely not for the purpose of hurting each other.
and i cant take the fact that you guys knew i liked her but in the end?
i THOUGHT we were best of friends but obviously i am fucking utterly wrong.
nothing makes my mood better.
yes my attention got strayed away during IG retreat
BUT IT GOT WORST WHEN I FOUND OUT SHE'S ATTACHED TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

life has not been good to me.

school, career, family, friends and relationship...

none of them can make me smile when i think about it...

where's the ZHENYI i used to know?

dear friends this is also the question i've been asking myself...

but unfortunately i cant seem to find the answer.

NO DRIVE, NO MOTIVATION and NO REASON to be HAPPY

BUT zhenyi is a strong person.
no matter what happen I WILL NOT BREAK DOWN!!!!!!!!!
no point wallowing in self pity and get so overwhelmed by my lil tiny winey problems :)
well, zhenyi's still the hottest!!!!!!!

Zhenyi's impossible = i m possible!!!!!!!!