where were you when i needed you the most?!

significance; importance; love; care; concern; motivation; encouragement; praise; drive; hope; soulmate

all these are the things i really long for
even if it is a short moment,
i just wished i will have in possession of these.

but no matter how hard i try to smile
no matter how hard to try to give those stuff to others
no matter how hard i try to be a better zhenyi
it never happens

you guys never know how much i wanted someone to say this
'Zhenyi, if you're tired, tell me. i'll help you'
you guys never know what i'm going through
i dun say doesnt mean i dun feel it

i'm feeling tired, i'm feeling fatigue
i'm feeling all the sucky feeling anyone could feel at one go
can anyone lighten my burden

i have been holding back my tears
hoping that it will increase my time being happy
i've been doing great for the past few months
but now i cant seem to have the ability to.

my tears are getting more uncontrollable and it wont listen to my commands anymore

D.
where's all the promises you promised me?
about being by my side about knowing how i feel
i would feel much better if you had not made those promises
you know what?
i have been looking for you
but you have never turned back and look at me once
i have been working to hard to be stronger
worked so hard to add weight to my faith
worked so hard to run to a place where a different me stands
but instead of getting nearer, the place seemed further and further away from me

first post of the year :)

I'm not going to have a new year resolution cause i know I'm not gonna achieve it
I think life is such that the more you hope for something, the more it won't happen
The higher the expectation you have, the more disappointed you would become when the results come out
I dun seem to be able to look forward to a single thing
Cause whatever that I used to hope for its either gone or have never ever happen to me

I admit that I'm getting more useless nowadays
Lying down in bed for every single day
Thinking about different solutions that can solve the different problems I faced
But instead of being able to solve it,
The burden becomes heavier
Is there anyone who really knows and understand what I'm going through?
Anyone really bothers about how I feel everytime they do something?

I am normal 100% human
I do get hurt by your actions, words and expressions.
Yet, I tried to be hide all my unhappiness inside
I tried to show that I'm not affected so that you guys would be able to behave freely and easily
But have you guys thought about this?
What if one day I can't take it anymore?
I bet you guys won't even bother right?
cause I'm only a friend that you play around with
Not someone whom you people really treasure and want to live life together

I dun see the happiness i used to see
What more feel it.
All I long for is someone who can really knows my feelings without even needing me to tell her
All I long for is someone I can really talk to
Someone who can readily be there whenever I feel hurt, lonely, emo, happy, crazy or at all times
Someone who scolds me and get worried for me when I get into trouble
Maybe I'm asking too much again.

Everytime when I feel that this group of friends is great, I'm wrong
They are only great when we are having fun.
And when I'm having troubles
All they think of is still fun
So I would MIA and reappear
But everything changed.
The gap so huge that we can never ever be back the same
And you guys would never know how hurtful when you guys are excited over seeing the person beside me when we meet but just saying hi to me.
You guys were the one that said you all missed me then?