CLIQUE

Sometimes I often ask myself why am I on this world?

DOUSHITE?!

Many years passed I still do not know how to answer myself this question.

I'm not like Einstein who invented great stuff for this world,

Not like Mother Theresa who helped the poor and touched the world with her heart,

Not like Dong Bang Shin Ki who produces such great songs for their world and touched us with their innocence, hard work, maturity and pure heart.

Who am I, what am I doing in this world and what impact am I supposed to have in this world?No one can tell me.

Yeah people might say God have a plan for me but it has already been 18 years and 6 months why hasn't he show me my path.

There were many things that I've done that hurt people, that I have regretted doing it.

There were also many things I've done to make people around me proud, that I would also done it if I were to live life once more.

I have met good and bad people, have been a good and bad person, made clever and stupid decisions.

I would not know where I am heading to and where I would end up in life.

I would not know whom I might meet or what I might face in different stages of my life.

But on top of all these past and unknown things, what I know is no matter what happened or will happen, I am still the Zhenyi that everyone knows.

I'm still the Zhenyi that will laugh and smile with all her strength and cry quietly by herself to prevent people from worrying for her.

The Zhenyi that would try all her might just to make people laugh even if she sacrifices.

The Zhenyi that would be confident and succeed at times and be a chicken and fail during other times.

The Zhenyi that is sensitive and can be emotional any time.

I'm would still be the Zhenyi that will work hard for anything that she decides to fulfill.

Will still be the one who truly thank those people who have been by her side no matter rain or shine.

Will still treat those people she appreciate truly.

Will always keep the faith :]

And now I'll thank those people who have always been by my side regardless of whether I was happy, sad, angry, confused, crazy or stressed.

Thank you my loved ones.

I thank my clique for being by my side during my Secondary 3&4 period. That was the happiest time of my life. Maybe because that was the time I left my hostel and got freedom but I am sure that you guys have impacted me a lot. I remembered how 'BESTFRIEND' clique came about was when Elaine and Crystal called each other BESTFRIEND like as if no one else have one. Then Jiamin and I also started calling each other BESTFRIENDS cause we wanted to disturb both of them. Gradually, Sherlyn and Audrey Wong started to came in. And Audrey became my 'CLOSEFRIEND”, Crystal my 'EXTRAORDINARY FRIEND' and Elaine my 'BESTEST'. To think of it quite childish huh?! HAHAHA!!! But then during our Secondary 4 EFL camp, we got close to Judy, Liling, Ginwei, Wendy, Charmaine and Tricia. And we form another clique with Audrey, Crystal and Jiamin (which is the current clique). Maybe because we were 'actives' so Judy, Liling and I clique together especially well. We did all the stupid stuff together. Playing basketball in the bloody hot sun till we soaked our pinafore with perspiration. Eating ice cream during thunderstorms and playing in the rain till teachers came to tell us off. Getting caught by principal and discipline masters cause of our hair and uniform. Setting the trend by playing captain's ball during recesses and dragging away the chairs to prevent people from scoring; pulling uniforms to they can't run away from us; snatching ball away from bimbos and CHASING TRICIA WITH THE BALL! (note: Tricia claims that she's some star player in basketball during the P5 period but she's darn scared of the ball. To the point of crying when the ball gently hit her!) I, too, spend a lot of happy times with my clique. When celebrating our clique members' birthday, we do not eat the cakes. We used it to smash them instead. I love that cause I am always the main culprit :). We would also go for porridge buffet at tiong bahru every chinese new year celebration and national day celebration and would compare who ate the most. The record now is 7 bowls by helen (another friend who is super petite). But no matter what happen I still love them the most.

Wendy: Hmmm. I have forgotten how we got close. Perhaps is because we lived near each other and we got nothing to do during the weekends, MAJONG! Among the whole clique you are the one that settle down the fastest in regardless of work or relationship wise. Many times we gossiped about others together, telling each other how we quarreled with our friends, complaining how immature my other friends are, but I have forgotten I'm not that mature either. Ahaha! You said that I'm crazy because DBSK is the only thing revolving around my world. But I have made the decision to support them forever. It is just like me making the decision to stay with this clique forever. To be with each and everyone of you. Supporting each and every single one of you... Now that I'm gonna move house to Boon Lay, I guess we can't meet up that easily. It would not be like last time, one phone call to each other and we'll meet. But that won't be our barrier. Just inform each other earlier and we can also meet :) yeah?

Jiamin: BESTFRIEND! I'll always remember you insisting that your clothes shrank instead of you growing fat!!! And always remember your retarded face that is on the school's banner!! Still remember we used to compete the speed of us doing Amaths and always disturbing Ms Sim cause of the dirty fingers and little pinky! Remember the times when we're crazy about GONG? Okay that is embarrassing. Better not spread huh?! I somehow missed those times we're in the office together at SAFRA. The times when we confided in each other saying all the unhappy issues we have with each other. Maybe that's why our friendship could last so long. The most regretful thing that I've done is not being by your side when you needed me the most. When you broke up with bee, when your grandma passed away, when you are so stressed up cause of life. Jiamin, sorry and thank you. Sorry for not being by your side, sorry for making you feel like asking me 'where were you when I needed you the most?' Sorry to making you not turning to me whenever you have issues in your heart. Thank you for being honest to me and spill out all my weaknesses to me. I appreciate that a lot as it make me change for the better. I hope that this trashing session would continue. Hope that from this moment onwards you would turn to me whenever you need a shoulder or a listening ear. I promise I would be by your side FOREVER and I really mean forever. I hope to see you guys walking with me in the future, laughing, crying, smiling and frowning...

Crystal: I love those times when I scare you till you drop. HAHA! I missed those times when we laughed and be crazy together. Remember how I spread the 'LOVE' to you? That was because I want to leave a mark in your life by leaving a scar on your legs(bullshit)!!! HAHA! When I think of crystal, the memories that came into my mind is always funny. Purely because you do not know how to be angry I guess. So even if I pissed you off you'll still be smiling. You are so skinny and fragile that I would always look out for you and worry about your safety. You are always smiling that I will get insecure if you stop smiling for a moment. You are always trying to be so happy that I find it hard to cheer you up even if you are not having a smooth time. There's load of things I wanna tell you but the words just can't reach you. Crystal, I know about those stuff you are going through now and I hope that you would just let me share some of your burden. Everything would be alright at the end of time. Zhenyi will always be here. FOREVER. Sometimes it is okay to show your true feelings to me and not hide your heart all the time. Being unhappy is a suffer. But faking out a smile to someone who knows you for around for 7 years is even more suffering. Bottling up everything would make you blow up one day and trust me the feeling sucks. Yeah. Lastly, compared to the memories I have with you, I appreciate you more than those memories. Comparing the love I have for those memories, it is you, Crystal, that I love even more.

Judy: Wei Ling! I have been friends with you since Sec 1 and the thing that have changed the most is... YOUR HAIR!!! For those who know what I am talking please laugh. From basketball team mate, to good friends, to clique members, to friends that study together for O'levels and then to colleague and now back to clique members. We've sure gone through lots of things yeah? The memories that is the clearest in my mind was the way you cried when our first attempt of Chinese O'level results came out. Before you came in the toilet to cry, I was in the cubicle by myself thinking of the hard work I have put into studying Chinese. I aimed for A1 but in the end I got C6? Big contrast mans! At that time, I was blaming myself, telling myself I'm a big failure and I shouldn't have set so high hopes, etc. all I knew was I'm struggling to stand up back again. At that moment Audrey came in and said 'Zhenyi, you okay?Judy is crying like mad now!' When I heard that I came out of the cubicle straight away. Judy who is always stingy with her tears who never ever let people see her true feelings cried. In front of so many people somemore! After seeing you cry, I have finally found out... I AM NOT ALONE. And we got emo for days man! but that's not the point. We cried together, smiled together, sweat together, frowned together, laughed together get into trouble together and most importantly, we would always be together :) GIRLFRIEND~ LOVE YOU!!!

Audrey: CLOSEFRIEND! Instead of being penpals, we're not 'textpals'. Hahah! Everytime I get emo or when I self-evaluate myself at home I would just send you a text asking you what do you think of this. And everytime without fail you would manage to cheer me up and give me the courage of continue-ing. It's you people who gave me the courage when I am with you guys. Now that I am not spending my everyday-life with you, I felt so good that I can still turn to you whenever I need a talk. But the most regretful thing is thing confiding thingy is only one way. It is always you being by my side but not me being by your side. I still remembered there was once when you were crying in class due to results I think. I felt that there was so many people around you and we were supposed to go to hall for some assembly programme. So i said this 'People, let's go to the hall. Teachers are waiting for 4J'. You'll never ever know how much i regretted saying that. I was not being sensitive to your feelings at all. Then a few weeks later you confronted me saying 'Why can't you just be like other people and console me?!' Maybe you might forgot this incident but I will never ever forget cause it is deep in my heart to remind me to care for others and always put them before me. Audrey, sorry for not being there when you needed me. But I just hope that you would give me another chance to make up for everything. I wanna try having to use my heart to console you everytime you are struggling, wanna try telling you what I feel you should do to keep that courage you have. Give me the chance and I'll do it.

Liling: You sure are a problematic kid mans! Forever cutting yourself! I remembered once I was sitting behind the class with the back door wide opened, the way we always did luh, you ran out with a pen knife in your hand. Someone was chasing you behind, if I'm not wrong is Judy. Anyways I ran out immediately without asking permission of the teacher (anyway we also always do that. haha.) and chased after you until the toilet. But we weren't able to stop you from cutting cause you locked yourself up in the toilet. You won't know how worried we were that time you selfish idiot! The next moment you came out, your wrist is covered with blood! and you can happily take photo of that! Fuck you lar! I seriously din't know how to react and just ignored you for the whole day! But the most touched thing you have ever did to me was to appear for my 18th birthday celebration! After MIA-ing for one year you finally appear again! Haha! Because of this I love you even more mans! But I love your girlfriend more than you! HAHAHAHAH!!!

BEGIN!!!

[Micky]
Nakitai toki wa nakeba ii kara
Nee muri wa shinaide
Namida karetara egao ga hiraku
Hora, mou waraatteru

[xiah]
Tomadou no wa mirai ga aru kara
Mabushisa ni makenai yuuki ga hoshii

[JJ]
Everyday and night with you
Chiisana kimi no te wo nigirishimeru kara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Tsunagaru kanshoku wo zutto tashikame yo
Ima monogatari wa begin

[yunho]
Hitomi sorashite saketeru tsumori
Demo boku wa suki da yo
Hanarete ite mo wakachi au mono
Sou omoi ga areba

[xiah]
Kinou ni mada sayonara iezu ni
Kusubutteru jikan wa munashii dake sa

[JJ]
Everyday and night with you
Samenai binetsu dake mote amashi nagara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Futari no kankaku wo motto kasaneyou
Ima kimi to boku wa begin

[max]
Hontou wa boku mo onaji da yo
(Baby I need your love need your touchOh Baby I need your love need your touch baby)
Yoru no yami ni obieteru
(you tell me now)
Demo hitori ja nai

[JJ]
Everyday and night with you
Furueru kimi no te wo nigirishimeru kara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Tsunagaru kanshoku wo zutto tashikame yo
Ima monogatari wa begin
Everyday and night with you
Samenai binetsu dake mote amashi nagara
Everyday
Everynight
Everywhere
Futari no unmei wo sotto kasaneyou
Ima futari dake de begin

TRANSLATION

[Micky]
It's okay if you cry when you want to,
It's not unreasonable.
When a tear dries, a smile lights up your face.
Look, you are already laughing.

[Junsu]
The future is confusing
But I won't lose to its brilliance, I want to have courage

[Jaejoong]
Every day and night with you,
I hold your small hand tightly
Every day every night everywhere,
Let's always make sure our feelings are connected
Now, let the story begin.

[Yunho]
You avert your eyes... do you plan to avoid me?
But I like you
Even when we are separated, we can share something
Yes... if we have these feelings.

[Junsu]
I can't say "goodbye" to yesterday yet
This smoldering time is just lifeless...

[JaeJoong]
Every day and night with you,
I just don't know what to do with this ceaseless fever
Every day every night everywhere,
Let's gather up our feelings more and more
Now, you and I begin

[Changmin]
You're really just like me
(Baby I need your love, need your touch)
(Baby I need your love, need your touch, baby)
Scared of the darkness of the night
(You tell me now)
But you're not alone.

[JaeJoong]
Every day and night with you,
I take your quivering hand and hold it tight
Every day every night everywhere,
Let's always make sure our feelings are connected
Now, let the story begin.
Every day and night with you,
I just don't know what to do with this ceaseless fever
Every day every night everywhere,
We'll gently overlap our destinies
Now, just the two of us begin

CAMP ADDICT?! - label still on or gone?

TP is having this TPrawks camp for secondary leavers
there is cheering and screaming all over TP these few days
it brings memories to me...
bittersweet memories

After doing so many camps
people have seen so many sides of me.
Ugly, pretty, strong, weak, full of confidence as well as being a coward...
but im not afraid cause all these memories they have are all part of ME.
I used to label myself as a camp addict.
And I truly wants to be back to a camp addict.
I want to be labeled as being high for all times again.

I want to be back to my loved ones and fight the war side by side
inspiring students and proving to teachers that age is not a matter...
I remembered during a training camp I shared with my fellow trainers the reason why I wanted to be a trainer...
I WANTED TO BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS.
I want others to smile when they see me.
I want people to learn from my mistakes and be a better person.
A WISE MAN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES, A WISER MAN LEARN FROM OTHERS MISTAKES -patrickng

Thinking back to the past... what have I done to be a blessing...
do I really have the potential of being a trainer?
Whenever I talk about potential i'll feel so insecure.
In my perspective, I dun have any potential..
I just have good team members to work with.
T.E.A.M- Together Everyone Achieve More

JESSICAchan: shifu, im sorry for the times ive disappointed you. Thanks for believing in me. If I dint remember wrongly you told me that I was the best tudi. Double thanks. I really needed that at that time.. if there's a chance I seriously want to do chest clap with you during campfire...

DANIELchan: laogong!~ thanks for standing by me whenever im in trouble.. you were one of those who helped to build up my self confidence. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE ME DRUNK FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! okay correction thats not drunk cause im still aware of my surroundings. And I still remembered every single thing you've said to me that night. Every single thing.. yes and I still remember: crying in front of people tells people that I am weak. But im not WEAK. Know what? Although we've knew each other for less than a year but I seriously fell in love with you. Haha. Seriously i'll never forget the times we spent together and the things you've said or done to make me stronger. I miss bitching to you about other people. And of course sleeping with you. :D but most importantly is you were one of those whom made my camps enjoyable.. and you are the strength that keeps me going. Daniel Chan I LOVE YOU~ (ops marcus is jealous :] )

ZHAOxuan & ZHAOkai: Sangor! Erge! We can be counted as fellow peers bah. Same training for level 1 and 2... I know you guys dont like me emo-ing and keep belittle-ing myself... but zhenyi is indeed an emo kid!!! you cant change that :) so is either you accept it or... anyway thanks for all the support and the shoulders for crying mans!!!!

JENNAgoh: although things cant be like the past but I still wanna thank you for teaching me so much valuable stuff.. I remembered when I was having internship you were the one who taught me all the stuff.. to be honest, I missed that. I miss packing logistics with you. I miss doing campfire with you. You'll always be hosting and I'll always be below helping you make the campers high... seriously missed that. Double thanks for those memories.

SHAI: *sigh* I wished time could rewind and I can spend more time with you enjoying and not being angry with you. Gosh! Im tearing at this last moment. I told myself not to shed a single tear when I type this post.. You're a mentor, second father, brother, listening ear and friend to me. There's so many things I wanna tell you. But I stopped. Cause I dun want to rely on you. I feel so burden whenever I asked a favour from you. I seriously wanted to be like you and many a times you've said I reminds me of your past. But afterall we're different. I always think a lot and love to bottle up my feelings. And in the end I end up exploding everything to you. I HATE TO LET YOU SEE ME CRY. Seriously. Letting you see me cry is worst than you scolding me. But you've seen me cry so many times that if I were to convert that to buddha claps it would worth a million buddha claps plus a thousand suicides. If there's a chance I seriously wanna work under you again, to work beyond my limits and get all the scoldings from you. You once said I have never said no to whatever task you've gave me.. I really want to be like that once more. JUST ONCE MORE...

why is that a bittersweet memory?
Sweet cause i'll be smiling to myself whenever I think of it
Bitter cause I can never ever experience the happiness again..
simple but hard to get.. and I regretted a little cause I gave it up...

having to write this post sounds like im gonna leave this world and im saying my last words
well you wont know when im leaving this world.
So im gonna be truthful to my feelings on this blog.
I might be super surface and bitchy and hypocritical on the outside
but afterall I'll be myself on this blog..
thats what blogs are for – to express your true feelings at that point and after finishing, it would be sunshine again.

randomness :D

Actually this issue have been in my heart for a long long time.
I was wondering if I should share it out but I think I wont feel good if I dont.
It was just something random so if you feel that I'm talking about you then that's your PERCEPTION.

I wonder how long it takes for a person to show his true colours.
I mean like for a moment someone could be an angel but the next moment, a devil.
I admit I'm like that at times but thats ME.
And I think the whole knows that I've got a bad temper but I'm trying to compress it. That's what make me an angel at times and devil some other times.
But I'm an angel MOST of the time :D

Anyway back to the point, how long it takes for one to show its true colours?
One day? One month? Or One semester?
And true colours can be so much different from the personality you TRIED to portray.
Being an angel all the time but with a devil's heart?
Which is more dangerous?
Me or you?!

Sometimes it is just so difficult to be well-liked by every single one in the world.
But know what?
Just be loved by those whom you loved is enough
It can be a super happy thing by just hanging around with those who accept you the way you are as compared to those people who you need to hide your real personality from..
Isn't tired to keep hiding to truth from people you mix with EVERYDAY?!

But I've recently found out that I'm not only the one suffering
Im not only the one paining inside...

DBSK...
Always keep the faith..
Every time when I turn on my comp and look for their news
I'll always feel the pain in my heart.

Yeah. I have just got obsess with them about two months ago.
And till now, every time I see them perform, I'll be so overwhelmed by their TALENT
And it is really hard to find TALENT in bands nowadays especially in Asia...
Even such talented people do face hardship in their life and I hope that they would be able to overcome this problem with each other supporting each other...

CHOIKANG CHANGMIN

XIAH JUNSU

MICKY YOOCHUN

YOUNGWOONG JAEJOONG

U-KNOW YUNHO

Micky Yoochun said this in their The Secret Code Concert in Tokyo Dome:

“Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun. We're the ONE, eternally!!!”

Every time I see this part of the video I feel so …

Imagine outsiders like me could feel the pain.. what about DBSK themselves?

Seriously, how do they feel if they were to look back their past performances and see this part?

I hope that whatever happens people would not judge them in a negative way

But use your heart and feel their hard work and effort for the past five years.

Look at how much they've grown and how much they have suffered to climb to where they are now.

So please guys, don't take away what is supposed to belong to them.

And give them every single thing they deserve...

They deserved nothing of what they're going through now.

DBSK... Always Keep The Faith... Hope To The End...

Proud by DBSK (L)

[Jae Joong]

Ashibaya ni toori sugiteku

Dore dake no kisetsu

Mou sugitan darou

[Yunho]

Minareta keshiki wo aruite

Tooi kioku kara

Hitori nukedasenai mama

[Chang Min]

Ikiba wo ushinai souna

Sonna toki kimi to deatta..

[Jae Joong]

Kono machi de

Meguriatta

Ima mo wasurenai yo

Ano hi kara..

[Xiah]

Takusan no

Kanashimi toka

Kakaeta fuan subete wo

Kimi no nukumori de

Omoide ni kaeta..

Proud of your love..

[Jae Joong]

Hirotta futatsu no kaigara

Mou ichido kimi ni

Aeta youna kiseki

[Yoo Chun]

Kimi ga soba ni itekuretara Whoa~

Kokoro no oku made

Yasashii kimochi ni nareru

[Chang Min]

Hageshii ame ga futtemo

Tsuyoi kaze ga fuku naka demo Whoa~

[Jae Joong]

Kono ai wo

Mamori nukeru

Kimi to naraba kitto

Koerareru.. (Oh~)

[Xiah]

Sou hajimete (Whoa..)

Omoeta kana

Kono te wo hanasanai youni

Zutto taisetsu ni

Toki wo mitsumeyou.. Whoa~

[Jae Joong]

Kono machi de

Meguriatta

Ima mo wasurenai yo

Ano hi kara..

[Xiah]

Ikiru koto

Shinjiru koto

Yorokobi e to kae nagara

Itsumade futari

Tomo ni arukou..

Proud of your love..

[Yoochun]

Proud of your love..

[Yunho]

Proud of your love..

[Jae Joong]

Proud of your love..

[Chang Min]

Proud of your love..

[Xiah]

Proud of your love..

TRANSLATION

Passing by at a quick pace

I wonder how much of a season had already gone?

Walking through the scenery I’ve become familiar with

Without being able to slip away

From these distant memories alone

It's like I completely lost my destination

That was the time when I met you

We met by chance along this road

Even now I can’t forget, ever since that day

Much of the sorrow and anxiety I held

Everything had been changed

Through the warmth of your memories

Proud of your love

Finding two shells

Is just like a miracle..

Meeting you once more

If you're here beside me

Even the depths of my heart

Would be comfortable with this gentle feeling

Even if violent rain falls down

And strong winds blow about

I'll go out to protect this love'

If we're together we can surely overcome all

Could I have thought like that at first?

So I don’t let go of this hand

I'll always gaze carefully at time

We met by chance along this road

Even now I can’t forget, ever since that day

Things that live on, things that I believe in

While changing towards happiness,

We’d both walk along together

Proud of your love

Proud of your love..

Proud of your love..

Proud of your love..

Proud of your love..

Proud of your love..

love those who love me :D

hai...
been so long since i've blogged.
for those who have been worrying about me.
thanks but no thanks. :D
i know you guys love me and i appreciated it.
but im ZHENYI
so dun worry... i've been through so many things and i can also get over this.

and for those who are also suffering,
persevere and you'll be stronger after everything's over.
thats what ive been doing for the past 18 years :D
being ALONE is not a bad thing,
but its just not a good feeling..
however no one would get whatever they want all the time so lets just accept whatever is given

for those who have people around you ALL the time
its time to cherish them!!
im saying this from past experience
treat them truthfully and they'll do the same to you...
dun always jump to conclusion without thinking twice...