CAMP ADDICT?! - label still on or gone?

TP is having this TPrawks camp for secondary leavers
there is cheering and screaming all over TP these few days
it brings memories to me...
bittersweet memories

After doing so many camps
people have seen so many sides of me.
Ugly, pretty, strong, weak, full of confidence as well as being a coward...
but im not afraid cause all these memories they have are all part of ME.
I used to label myself as a camp addict.
And I truly wants to be back to a camp addict.
I want to be labeled as being high for all times again.

I want to be back to my loved ones and fight the war side by side
inspiring students and proving to teachers that age is not a matter...
I remembered during a training camp I shared with my fellow trainers the reason why I wanted to be a trainer...
I WANTED TO BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS.
I want others to smile when they see me.
I want people to learn from my mistakes and be a better person.
A WISE MAN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES, A WISER MAN LEARN FROM OTHERS MISTAKES -patrickng

Thinking back to the past... what have I done to be a blessing...
do I really have the potential of being a trainer?
Whenever I talk about potential i'll feel so insecure.
In my perspective, I dun have any potential..
I just have good team members to work with.
T.E.A.M- Together Everyone Achieve More

JESSICAchan: shifu, im sorry for the times ive disappointed you. Thanks for believing in me. If I dint remember wrongly you told me that I was the best tudi. Double thanks. I really needed that at that time.. if there's a chance I seriously want to do chest clap with you during campfire...

DANIELchan: laogong!~ thanks for standing by me whenever im in trouble.. you were one of those who helped to build up my self confidence. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE ME DRUNK FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! okay correction thats not drunk cause im still aware of my surroundings. And I still remembered every single thing you've said to me that night. Every single thing.. yes and I still remember: crying in front of people tells people that I am weak. But im not WEAK. Know what? Although we've knew each other for less than a year but I seriously fell in love with you. Haha. Seriously i'll never forget the times we spent together and the things you've said or done to make me stronger. I miss bitching to you about other people. And of course sleeping with you. :D but most importantly is you were one of those whom made my camps enjoyable.. and you are the strength that keeps me going. Daniel Chan I LOVE YOU~ (ops marcus is jealous :] )

ZHAOxuan & ZHAOkai: Sangor! Erge! We can be counted as fellow peers bah. Same training for level 1 and 2... I know you guys dont like me emo-ing and keep belittle-ing myself... but zhenyi is indeed an emo kid!!! you cant change that :) so is either you accept it or... anyway thanks for all the support and the shoulders for crying mans!!!!

JENNAgoh: although things cant be like the past but I still wanna thank you for teaching me so much valuable stuff.. I remembered when I was having internship you were the one who taught me all the stuff.. to be honest, I missed that. I miss packing logistics with you. I miss doing campfire with you. You'll always be hosting and I'll always be below helping you make the campers high... seriously missed that. Double thanks for those memories.

SHAI: *sigh* I wished time could rewind and I can spend more time with you enjoying and not being angry with you. Gosh! Im tearing at this last moment. I told myself not to shed a single tear when I type this post.. You're a mentor, second father, brother, listening ear and friend to me. There's so many things I wanna tell you. But I stopped. Cause I dun want to rely on you. I feel so burden whenever I asked a favour from you. I seriously wanted to be like you and many a times you've said I reminds me of your past. But afterall we're different. I always think a lot and love to bottle up my feelings. And in the end I end up exploding everything to you. I HATE TO LET YOU SEE ME CRY. Seriously. Letting you see me cry is worst than you scolding me. But you've seen me cry so many times that if I were to convert that to buddha claps it would worth a million buddha claps plus a thousand suicides. If there's a chance I seriously wanna work under you again, to work beyond my limits and get all the scoldings from you. You once said I have never said no to whatever task you've gave me.. I really want to be like that once more. JUST ONCE MORE...

why is that a bittersweet memory?
Sweet cause i'll be smiling to myself whenever I think of it
Bitter cause I can never ever experience the happiness again..
simple but hard to get.. and I regretted a little cause I gave it up...

having to write this post sounds like im gonna leave this world and im saying my last words
well you wont know when im leaving this world.
So im gonna be truthful to my feelings on this blog.
I might be super surface and bitchy and hypocritical on the outside
but afterall I'll be myself on this blog..
thats what blogs are for – to express your true feelings at that point and after finishing, it would be sunshine again.