how do i expect people to love me when i dun even love myself...

for the past 2 days i have been working like damn hardworking-ly...
haha!
too bad for those who thinks that i cant live without my previous job...

just got home bathe (i mean really bathe and not shower cause im at pepper lunch the whole day!)
and i went to read lianghao's blog

LIANGHAO IM DAMN FUCKING PROUD OF YOU...
for the past 18 years of my life circumstances made me feel difficult to love people...
or maybe difficult to show them how much i love them...
even in relationships... they often quarrel with me abt me not loving them enough

you see my parents and i are damn fucking not close..
i mean if we were to walk on the streets, with them walking in front and me following at the back, no one would know we are a family...
but if one of them would to leave me.....
i got no fucking idea what i would have become...

but the condtradicting thing is both of them including my brothers 'threw' me into the TENT (the hostel i talked about previously..)



i told myself that if they were to come back into my life i'll hate them TTM!
but when they were finally 'back', i found it hard to face them or even talk to them...
relationship became very on-the-surface
no one could blame me for doing all these rebellious stuff...
cause the more rebellious i get the more they wont want me as their daughter...
this was what i thought...

haha! but as i grow older i thought its a chore to hate them...
but i still cant bring myself to love them...
i mean i dun we even know how old are they, when's their birthday and stuff...
haha! what a failure daughter right?!

and i suddenly rmbed something my principal said when i got caught for my hair...
she said this 'how do you expect ppl to love you or you to love ppl when you dun even love yourself?!'
how true can that be...
i dun even have the courage to love myself...
to trust myself that no matter what i do its for my best...
daniel once said that i must learn to think more for myself...
perhaps he's right to think for myself=to love myself more.
but how?
no one has ever taught me how to...

maybe i should just stop emo-ing...
thats the first step to love myself :]
to stop my heart from bleeding AGAIN